This past week I was at C.A.M.P.S. (Christ As My Personal Savior). It was a sick nasty week with all sorts of fun. Unfortunately, amongst all this fun I had a bit of a depression relapse... Well, the day after my lil relapse, there was a witness talk by one of the staff. Her name was Justine. The story she gave was a lot like my own story...it brought back memory flashes...fear...regret...guilt...and a whole load of emotions...and as I sat there, some tears began to silently role down my face until I was eventually sobbing while my friend hugged me. I couldn't understand why I was crying though! I had dealt with all this shit already-it didn't bug me anymore. It was in my past now and it didn't matter cause I had moved on and healed. Yet here I was, sitting in the crowd sobbing as she told of her own depression, her severe relapse in December, the pain in her stomach that no one should ever experience, not knowing whether or not she would live as she was in the hospital... Everything that I had been through myself this previous fall and had supposedly gotten over yet was making me sob like never before. It didn't make sense to me.
Well, I finally had a realization the next day. I had never actually healed or gotten over what had happened or what I had done. I had pushed it to the back of my head and tried to forget about it. I tried to ignore it and pretend it never happened. I was trying to face this on my own. That talk made me see that I couldn't get better on my own; I had already tried that and failed. Instead, I had to rely on God. I couldn't simply ignore and forget about what had happened, but instead, with the grace and help of God, recover and find healing. I had stopped relying on God and stopped praying. That brought no comfort or healing to me though. Now, I didn't suddenly realize that everything was alright and happy dandy. My realization was instead that I have to rely on God. Only in relying on God will I truly be better.
God Bless Y'all <3