In a magical town called Finglehorp, a species of unicorns reaching an average height of 3ft 11in. existed
in war and happiness. You see, some of the unicorns wanted to expose
themselves to the world, and some of them wanted to first create a
war against the goblins of Jundflep, another colony that was in the
Atlantic ocean. Another group of unicorns thought it best to try to
reach a world accomplishment, like making peace with the mars aliens
who don't exist yet. And of course, a smaller group was inclined to
wait until the aliens actually existed first. This group was highly
overlooked and ignored.
Then there were some unicorns that were so doped up on drugs, they decided that they were going to do
something that they didn't even know. The leaders of this group were
none other than Harry Potter and Voldemort. They decided that they
were going to go on a quest for some goal that they didn't know, but
would know when they got there. and so they went. They determined
that they were going to teleport themselves there. But they couldn't
teleport, so they decided to flail and spaz around in circles until
something happened and they got there.
They found themselves in a street with no name. The only building on the street was called "Rigloghrizzdel"
which seemed to sell liquid toilet paper. Next to it was a bank. At
the end of the street was a bycicle shop (NOT a bicycle- what would a
unicorn do with that?). The products sold here were
interesting contraptions: two wheels placed one in front of the
other, held together by poles. The owner proclaimed that they were a
sort of fashion fad. You wore them around your ankles, and were
instantly admired. The unicorns decided to instead buy some rock
After leaving the store, they encountered a 2ft 4in. tall two-legged creature that had a black
cloak on, with the hood pulled up. All they could see of the
character was a long nose- 4 1/4 inches long to be exact. Two rings
pierced the ends on both sides of the nostrils, which were both
filled with wiry nose hairs. This nameless enigma, called Seymour
George, joined them on their journey without saying a word.
The triplet proceeded to jump on a train to Brazil. Once in Alaska, the two unicorns and the
always-masked individual found their quest – they were to search
for the kidney of their long-lost brother Charlie.
They fought fierce battles with obsessed starfish, encountered giant blinking X's, and wrote their
names in the sands of the Florida shoreline. They flew hot air
balloons into the Himalayan mountains, hunted attack-tortoises in the
Galapagos Islands, and finally reached their destination: London,
They knew that their friend's beloved organ was being held prisoner in a garden fountain outside the city,
but they didn't know which garden, or what the heck a garden even
was. They searched pie shops, famous museums, less famous museums,
and even a few poultry farms.
The brave trio's answer was finally found in a loud, disruptive garden gnome named Clarence.
Clarence was born in Italy, raised in a lesser-known town in Czechoslovakia called Idily, and finally moved
to London to become a body cream salesman at the local mall. His
attitude, however, was not good for the company, and he was
threatened with losing his job. He wore a tie every day.
Harry, Voldy, and Seymour stayed in his quaint home for 2 days whilst figuring out a plan to
find the kidney. After some calm arguments and some bagged milk, they reached a conclusion: the kidney
was located in the Black Sea. It was also not in a fountain as
Five plane tickets, a conversation with the pope, and eighteen chocolate frogs later, Harry and
Seymour found themselves in a dimly-lit hallway with no doors. Harry and Seymour approached their
clones with caution, straining their eyes to understand what was going on. As the real characters
approached, the two apparitions let a low, menacing laugh emerge from two pairs of lips that had blatant
evidence of a cherry lip gloss coating. Suddenly, the laughter became
loud, high pitched, erratic, and crazed. And then it stopped.
The light, which seemed to have no source, flickered. The dust that coated the floor erupted up,
blinding the two adventurers. After clearing tears, dust, and glitter from four eyeballs, it became
apparent that Harry and Seymour were no longer faced with their
clones. Instead, Caroline's grandma peered at them, one eye squinting
while the other looked on, dazed. And after a long, awkward silence:
"I knew it was true! George Bush was right! Giants do exist! And they're going to attack
Amurika! (The U.S. had been re-established as a communist country after an undercover leprichaun
named Squiggle (known to humans as John Smith) came into office).
Good thing we spent all of our governmental spendings and more on
finding you creatures! And now, I have managed to find and capture
the first hostages of Bush's campaign!"
Giving the pair a calculating glance, the old lady inquired, "Are you in some sort of gang? Oh,
what was it called...the Lemonheads? Is that who's leading your little terrorist party? Well, we're gonna get
you and teach you a lesson. Actually, we're going to torture you with
smashed-garbanzo-bean-and-lettuce sandwiches, maggot-infested peas,
expired mayonnaise, and cat food."
Harry and Voldemort (who, earlier, covertly replaced Seymour in the mysterious hall) decided
that this cruel and unusual punishment was inane. Each turned to the wall and incessantly smashed their
heads into the unyielding surface. The intent was to blow their
brains into smithereens ad nauseam. The actual result is
Neither were seen again, but years later some author stole their names for human book
characters who fought each other. The unicorn society was not very happy about the usage of their
heroes' names. They didn't do anything about it, though, besides mumble grumpily.
On the other hand, why they were declared heroes is unknown also. I mean, what the heck did
they even do? Whatever they were looking for, they didn't find, and barely even looked for it in the
Seymour discovered that he was the prince of an ancient empire, and went to live in the
excavated ruins of the palace. The archaeologists, however, were not okay with this. Poor Seymour. He
later joined the show biz, acting is musicals. Things picked up for him there, and now he's an astronaut.
bad he is afraid of going into space.
Clarance the gnome is now the owner of the Apple company, but when he's not working he likes
to pretend to be a fake garden gnome, and scare passersby by spontaneously proving his aliveness in socially awkward or unacceptable ways.
I hope you enjoyed wasting however many minutes of your life reading my badly written, barely-edited,
pointless story that was written at 2am, because I have no idea what
the crap I just wrote.