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[Carla]

This is a short story I'm working on. I chose this passage becasue I think it shows the plot pretty well..... tell me what you think, or if you want to read the res!!

Walking into the first-aid trailer was less than fun. Everyone in there, a face I had encountered previously in the mosh pit. My four foot ten inch frame jumping and trying to get out of the way, failing miserably, and getting pushed constantly. I slowly worked my way to the closest nurse, a blonde wearing one of the band's t-shirts.
"Where is he?"
"No fans allowed near him"
"Fuck you! I'm not a damned fan, where the fuck is he?"
I looked up, a mixture of tears, mud, and mascara running down my face only to make it more dirty. a guy I recognized from behind the scenes came to me when he heard the yelling, as soon as he saw me the slow walk became a sprint with a jolt. His picked me up with a quick swift and took me to the back of the first-aid trailer where he lay.
"Fuck! is he okay?"
the sobbing started again filling my throat with knots of concerned questions, and hate for the out-of-control fan that had somehow gotten on the stage to hurt my one and only.
"Yeah, he's just asleep, broken leg and a deep wound on the right arm."
He sept through the night as the band mates and I sat near his bed like idiots, waiting for the moment of his precious waking. Coffee cups burnt out cigarettes, beer cans, and anxiety drowned the room.

[Just_A_Face]

A lot of 'fucks' in there.
I suggest you read:
William Strunk, The Elements of Style;
"kill your darlings..."
The book will give you awesome guidelines to follow -- trust me, it's well worth 21 bucks.

Sounds intriguing! Keep up the good work.

Sincerely,
Staci

[Carla]

Hay, thanx... I'll definitely consider it :) but this reply came a little late...lol since it was a rough draft it has been changed and reshaped at this point, there's onle one "fuck" left in it. Still working on it though, maybe I'll post it when I'm done :D

~~Seriously, thank you for the input, it is highly appreciated.

[Nick ☮]

Staci I <3333333333333 The Elements of Style, I read it half way through editing "Twins" for the second time, and I had to start my editing COMPLETELY over because the author brought up such good points, that I realized right off the bat how crappy my writing style was and I had to go back and change many things for the better. I'm so glad I read it. Also, another book I'd suggest reading if you're trying to write anything worth reading would be: Style; Ten Lessons in Clarity and Grace by Joseph M. Williams. Although Joseph's writing style is a bit more dull(and more than a bit more mature:P) than mine, I still learned so much from it and my book has benefited greatly from it.
:)
<3 Nick Fensterman