doing better that i left the girl i wennt to live with

well to finally get back to you umm it wasnt good at all

Yeah I'm fine Kanela. :) Anything new and exciting goin on with you lately?

hey kanela. a friend told me this today, always be happy...sometimes it feels impossible, but that's just me. I try to smile everyday though. :) have a good day k?

ok so i know i said nothing could change how shitty i feel.. but that's sorta changed. like i'm still feeling pretty shitty, but for once i feel understood.. really.. understood.
i must explain explain the next time you're online.. it's really good. & for once i'm not in the mood to cry endlessly. :]
yes yes.. all thanks to foot.. seriously. foot is absolutely AMAZING.
i cannot wait to tell you. =3

love you! xo

nela.. i think i figured out why i've felt so off lately..
i have nothing to look forward to.
i'm still completely crushed about august 22nd.. i know i said i didn't care.. but apparently i do, and apparently it's heart breaking. it was the only .. i repeat only thing i had to look forward to for pretty much the rest of the year.
'im feeling nervous.. trying to be so perfect, coz i know you're worth it..'
i know theres no sense in crying over it.. coz crying isn't gonna change anything, but crying is what i do when i'm not happy.
i'm 100% sure that's what's been wrong with me, though. coz as soon as i started writing this they started falling again.. =/
'hopeless, helpless, falling head first into darkness'
i dunno. this sucks. there's nothing that can change how shitty i feel. >.br /> i miss you.x

nelaa. tonight was probably the first time an RJA song has had a really big effect on me.. it ties in with what i texted you a lil while ago.. anyways, i got the YGA ringtone for my phone, but it only plays a bit of it so i ended up singing the rest of it to myself, and i broke down crying. i haven't cried over an RJA song... ever. and i cried over YGA. >.>
right now i'm thinking o changing my status message on facebook to 'i will never let you fall, i'll stand up with you forever.. i'll be there for you through it all, even if saving you sends me to heaven. you just have to let me try.'
idk.. theres a bit more to what happened .. but it's actually extremely personal.. and for once, i want to keep my personal life, private. usually i wouldn't care, but this is rather huge.
i miss you sweetheart. i should be around tomorrow .. don't have any plans and i don't have to work for very long.. talk then hopefully?
love you xo

well to start.. there's a few problems with you calling me.. 1) i'd need a fucking phone . yes. it's official. my motorola V360 is BUSTED. >_> & 2) it'd cost a hell of a lot..like don't get me wrong, i'd like to talk to you & all.. but all i have is pay as you go.. and pay as you go can add up, especially when it's international calling. but today.. after my brother buys me a new phone.. i can see me texting you a lot, trying to figure out how to use the thing. >.> && don't feel bad.. i kept trying to text you last night, and every time i did my phone would shut off. >.<
you know what.. i don't even care if he reads this.. sometimes when im talking to randy, it feels like i'm talking to a wall. i know why this is.. but i guess it can get frustrating after awhile.. there's only so much words on a computer screen can do.. and they've done just that. :/
you know what.. when he told me about august .. it was chaos on my brain. first thinking he's joking just to screw with me.. then my heart sunk.. then i'm trying to pretend like it's okay, and i'm not totally broken over this.. then the tears came.. and when they came, they poured. i kept saying.. 'im not going anymore.. there's no point..' & i almost gave my ticket away to somebody else that likes the band. >.> i felt sooo bad later tho. i was talking to mel about how it was a bad day.. and i didn't said that i had found something out about something i was really looking forward to.. and it wasn't good news, and i sobbed.. thinking he wasn't there.. and then out of nowhere he was there. >.< i was like.. SHIT. like.. if he knew me... at all.. he'd know it was upsetting.. but i hated how he found out i've been crying over it. i'm not gonna be like.. well that sucks, and that made me cry, but its okay.. NO. that's pathetic. whether i cry about it or not is my business.. it's not his fault.. it's my fault for thinking everything was gonna work perfectly.. every time i do, something goes wrong.. >_> & yea.. i know all about feeling crushed.. that was the only word i could think of to describe it.. i wanted to scream and yell.. i wanted to swear til i was blue in the face.. but for once, i kept [most] of my composure .. and just let it go. it was the most adult thing i've done in a long time.. but what will getting upset over it do? crying won't change the fact that he's not going.. so why cry? yea, it sucks. and it's gonna suck when sarah and i are there.. it's gonna feel like somebodys missing. coz he will be. something tells me he underestimated how much i was looking forward to meeting him.. but i could be totally wrong. shit happens.. just gotta suck it up & move on.
my project.. jordyn's ning site. i finished it last week. just played with the colours a bit and it's done.. i think it's up to like.. 5 members now. score. ^_^
life sucks..and i've come to the conclusion that life is always gonna suck. it's not fair.. and it not now, never will be, fair.
randy is psychic tho, yanno. he always seems to come back online when i'm at the lowest of the low, and really need a pick me up.. and it's not hard for him, coz his presence alone, cheers me right up. <33
anywayss.. i gotta go finish some shit.. which i don't want to do, coz i got close to no sleep last night. and i'm a dumbass, coz i've been sick for the last few days.. but like the energizer bunny, i just keep gong and going.. =] haa! i can see abbie and teddy telling me off, for not getting rest. [x


te quiero más!
♥

nela.. its almost 4 am.. and i've already cried a few times tonight.. so i'm resorting to my last vice.. that seems to be holding me pretty well for now. listening to middle of nowhere. enduring winter doesn't seem to have the same effect..dunno why.
i'm in one of those weird sorta moods where i'll close my eyes and concentrate on one instrument and try to imagine what it was like while he was playing them. it still never ceases to amaze me. i think most people judge the song on the song as a whole.. but i'm really weird with middle of nowhere. will concentrate on the vocals.. and then the drumming.. then the bass/guitar, and any other instruments i can make out. just.. holy crap in a hat.
it really is one thing to look at the song as a whole.. and then to pick it apart piece by piece, doing your best to appreciate it part for what it is.. it's quite an experience. what they went through preparing each song. what randy went through to write these lyrics. the lyrics that make my heart ache and want to do everything in my power to keep him safe so he'll never have to feel that again. >.br /> 'say you'll never walk away.. just tell me that you'll stay with me... tell me that we'll be okay' <3
i'm still between two rocks and a hard place with everything that happened on may 23rd.. i still can't choose.. they are both precious in my eyes, for different reasons of course. i can't say .. oh i'm gonna choose so and so coz they gave me this.. but then again.. i love so and so more.. so i should choose them.. i'm being really greedy, but i just want both. >_<
'how do you help when you can't help yourself?' .. i know that line is off of kaleidoscope, but it still has such a huge effect on me. how can i begin to want to help other people feel better, when i'm still broken? how can i make any sort of clear judgement when it comes to other people's problems, when my judgement is still so clouded? am i helping, or am i just doing more harm then good? these answers and more.. coming up on the next 60 minutes. ahahah NUUUUUU. i'm uber tired right now. hence the whole.. 60 minutes comment.
gawddd i miss you so much. i hate rogers for charging me for accepting texts .. they're uber ghey. i feel like i haven't talked to you in ages.. almost a week.. and a lot can happen in a week. <.<
doood. when you get a chance, go on fb and look at the shoes jordyn just bought. like.. i'm happy for her, coz she likes them evidently.. but they look fucking painful as hell.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH listening to enduring winter makes me feel like it's back in the days before everything went down with jordyn and randy.. before my life got hella confusing.. and everything was just.. there. i like these memories, coz they're comforting.. of how life used to be.. but at the same time, it's like a kick in the face, coz they'll never be that way again.
life was so much simpler when Vv was still together. and after may 23rd happened.. it was just pure chaos. that's the only thing i can think of to describe it. just.. chaos.
these tears that i will shed... they can't stop what i must do.. and the sun will rise again. <-- where was that line when i cried.. no sorry - sobbed, 10 times in six days. >.>
i like middle of nowhere coz it's raw. it's pure raw energy, and that's exactly what i look for in music. it's not soft.. which is great, coz most of the time, soft music pisses me off.. the winter family really does have a lot of talent. randy & ronnie have written some pretty amazing stuff.
but at the same time.. i do also like enduring winter. but i can totally tell that jordyn contributed on this.. coz it totally reminds me of fuzzy pink slippers. >.> now .. randy, if you read that.. don't get offended. just means i like yours more. :D
all i really mean by that is.. i think sometimes when a female contributes to the music being put out, some of the rawness can be taken away. while i'm not saying this is a bad thing.. coz it really isn't.. it's quite easy to tell.
well that's just really fucking lovely. as you know, i write on my walls a lot.. and i was just looking at it, and i peeled a corner of the posted up to see if there was anything under it, and evidently it says, without you, i will always be incomplete. weird, non? i honestly don't remember writing it.. or who it was about but it was obviously a long time ago, coz it's been covered up with a poster for ages now.
anyways.. i hope we get to talk soon.. coz i miss you.. and you woke me up this morning with your text message.. haha you totally did. but i went back to sleep.. so no sweat. i just feel like i have so much to tell you.. and enduring winter has made me feel like.. 3x better, coz there's always some comfort in the vocals.. if you catch my drift. ;p
anyways, yea. i'm as tired as hell[o kitty] so i'm gonna try to go to sleep.
i love you, & i miss you. <3

heeeeeeeeh, i havent been here in months..........

its amazing how much things change in such little time

Ya that would be pretty awesome!!!:) We just pulled in to Des Moines...

so you should totally come check out my new secret project that is preventing me from crying. i was up til like 4 am working on it last night, and i only gave up coz my eyes won the whole.. staying open, fight.
it's still a work in progress, and it confuses the hell out of me, but it is right up my alley pc/html/css wise, and it's what i need to distract me for the next 46 days. =3
it's just weird, coz it seems that i can really get lost in that stuff. if you get me on a roll, i can sit there for 2 hrs working on it, and i'll think only 2 minutes has gone by. xD
anyways, let me know if you think i should change anything.. i already know of some stuff that i doooo indeed want to change, but your input is always great. ^.^

eye-el-why-ess-emm
♥

nela i really wish you were here right now.. today has been exceptionally shitty. i've been crying non stop, & i'm going insane.
the most comfortable time .. well both times. was just making my bed, and i was sitting on my legs, kinda in the prayer position and i fell forward crying.. the other time was longer.. and a lot more painful. i don't know what brought it on but i fell side ways onto my bed and curled up and just sobbed. this one lasted for about 15-20 minutes, & was the worst one so far.
i really don't think i can stop crying this time nela.. this time the tears just won't stop falling and the aching in my heart is just getting worse.
i knew 2 months was really gonna hurt, i just didn't expect it to hurt this much, and to top it off it's only been 6 and a half days.
i feel helpless, and broken, and i can't stop missing him. and it's breaking my heart... i didn't even cry this much over mike. =S
i dunno. i just really wish you were here. x

so today went nothing like planned, and i'm completely heart broken. i haven't been able to stop crying for the last 3ish hours, and it really sucks. >_br /> it was the thing keeping me between sanity and being depressed.. and now that it's come and gone, i've basically given up hope, given up faith, given up on everything that makes me happy.
i think if anyone could see how much i've been crying since i got that text from teddy, they'd be just about as heart broken as i am.
i feel so terrible for teddy too... coz she tried. i know she tried. she gave it her all. and the fact that she couldn't follow through made her feel really bad, but how can i blame her? i can't. she was amazing enough to TRY, and that's more then i could ask of anyone else.
i just cannot begin to understand why this is happening. but obviously some higher power wants me to stay curled up in a ball sobbing, trying to hold onto what happy memories there are left.
right now.. i'm just about terrified to go to the august 22nd concert. coz even if i do get to meet him, i'm not gonna wanna let go. i'm not gonna be able to let go.
too many times tonight.. i've wished that i could just be numb. then i wouldn't be crying any of these pointless tears, and my heart wouldn't be aching coz of an absence i have no control over.
i guess.. right atm, all i feel is helpless. i feel like a wreck, and the only thing i can do is cry.
but my new saying is & she couldn't keep herself together, so they're gonna watch her fall apart.
it's rather true, though. i can't seem to stop myself from missing him [believe me, i've tried], the world doesn't want to seem to give me a break, or even a helping hand so it's gonna hurt like hell for 47 more days [of complete and utter hell] & all anybody can really do is just sit here and watch, coz the only person who could change everything doesn't know, nor would they give a shit, even if they did.
fuckk. idk what i'm gonna do, nela.
it's been 6 days. how the fuck am i gonna survive two months? o_o
i wish you were here right now.. =/

ilysm ♥

dude my parents are amazing.
somehow they know how desperately i need to be a this concert, so they're gonna do whatever they can to get me there. =O

yes but that's still a day and a half away. i was sobbing after an hour.
there's so much i want to say to him.. but i can't. =/

right now i'm highly amused... lulu has claimed to have given an elephant a colonoscophy .. haha. :]

ughh this sucks. there's no me without him, and there's no him, unless it's him alone. >./body>

uhh. i'm sad. shocker. =/
one of those depressive sad sorta dealies. i just want to lay in bed all day and do absolutely nothing.
i ended up crying again last night, well twice. so now we're up to 7 times in technically 3 days.
i didddd end up rewriting the letter.. & i actually think i like this one.. it's not all fake smiles and positiveness.
it's just very lamer. =\
& i know it's still pathetic, but i've given up all hope pretty much.

We are back out on tour with The Hollywood Undead-just hit the road Wednesday...what city are you in???:)

LMAO!!!! Yeah...party favors...sucks, don't it??:)