stuff he doesn't know

[Kenya]

I should be give an award or something. I have manged to almost ruin my relationship not once but TWICE in a week. Wow, I know that I could do some stupid things but that talent. A talent that I would LOVE to lose, but a talent none the less. Ahhmm, I miss my boyfriend. . It sucks that I won't see him for another week. I'm hella bored, I should bee cleaning my room but I really don't feel like it. I swear unless i'm cleaning my room or on the phone with one of two ppl i'm going to bed at 12:30. I think. Okay so with the randomness over, I had a purpose for writing this. I'm still trying to figure out what wrong with me. I have never been like this with a guy before. I was sane before I started dating him. Now he's all I can think abt. This is.. I don't know. For the first time ever, i'm not the one in control of my feelings or my thoughts. He is, and it scares me that he doesn't know. Ugh, I don't know what I would do if I lost him over something stupid. It's funny really. I can think about him and smile. The very thought of him makes me bite me lip. So why is this scaring me?? I want to be able to trust him completly, but i'm really scared to. And that fear is holding me back, in a way from everything. Maybe I should just let the past go. It's over and I have a new reason to smile and bite my lip. I think I should thank the past though (without actually talking to "it" of course), "It" helped me out of my shell, maybe a little to much but I digress, what was I saying.. oh yeah that past. You know what, who cares about the past when the present is so much...better! It's odd in a way though I NEVER thought that he would be the one to make me THIS happy. Hell, I didn't know I could be this happy. I can't tell him I hate him without smiling or a kiss coming after it or anything else we say. It is kinda like a punctuation for us. That is kinda weird but whatever.. So umm yeah, i've at this for a half-an-hour, gotten out everything i've been keeping in, and just about poured my heart out for tons of people to read. Great Job Kenya!